chatting up tips by russell brand

His six-point plan for success with the ladies - and that includes world-famous supermodels...

1 Offer An Alternative: seduction is all about offering an alternative. All of us are trying to escape from tedium. Women want adventure -that's my No.1 assumption.

If you read poetry, see paintings and listen to music, they reinforce ideas of romance, adventure and intrigue. If you can appear to be these things, then since the dawn of time there's been a global marketing campaign supporting what you're saying.

2 Know Your Brand Identity: Be in tune with your USP (unique selling point). For me, the idea of a gauche philandering adventurer works quite well. I have the hair of a gauche philandering adventurer, the patter of a gauche philandering adventurer and offer gauche philandering adventures. The brand is consistent.

3 Avoid Singles Bars And Clubs: Places where your attendance is an admission of failure as a human being cannot be good. It's better to strike in the street, or at the bus stop, or perhaps near a hedge.

4 Never Be Too Blunt: To go up to a girl and say, "Would you like an orgasm?" is the Hiroshima of seduction. What you need, first of all, is - at most - a Falklands.

5 Be Post-modern: In this post- modern era everyone knows what's going on, so say things like, "I'd like to chat you up. I'm chatting you up now. Are you enjoying this chatting-up?" Reference the process.

6 Confidence Trick: Know what you are and what you want. See the beauty in other people. It is alluring for women that their beauty is appreciated - but don't be afraid of their beauty. We're all just lumps of nature, wandering around, waiting to die...

*THEY WORKED ON KATE MOSS!